What do you got, a team of monkeys working around the clock on this one?
I like to have Amy verify the obvious every once in a while. That's why the question, "Cutting your nails?" - when that's clearly what she's doing - is fun to ask.
***
June 1 was supposed to my first day working in Colorado, and it would've been had Halliburton's Human Resources department not been run by chimpanzees. Join with me, if you will, as I recount my interactions over the last month.
Wed, May 3
Here's the relevant information from the email I got after accepting the job offer:
(The names and number have been changed for more privacy.)
Mon, May 8
I still haven't heard from Shirley Temple, so I send her a morning email and let her know I'm going to be spending a week out of town, and I need to get my drug/alcohol screening done before leaving on the 12th if at all possible.
Tue, May 9
Shirley hasn't responded to my email, so I call her up. She alleges that she's just received my file and says she'll get back to me in a couple of days to let me know where I need to go for my drug test, alcohol screening, and physical.
Fri, May 12
Leave for Crystal Beach without visiting a clinic, and without knowing which clinic I even need to go to for screening.
Thu, May 18
Check my email after being without internet access for a week. There's a message from Shirley Temple directing me to Concentra (which is about a half-hour from my house) for my drug test, et al.
Fri, May 19
Spend a total of 3.5 hours at Concentra, leave with all my necessary tests completed, and upon arriving at home, I send Shirley an email telling her I did my part and she should have my results soon.
Here’s a rundown of what was supposed to happen at this point. Concentra sends my “data” to a place called Quest Diagnostics (location unknown by me) to run the tests. Once that’s done, Quest sends my results to the appropriate Halliburton department in Duncan, Oklahoma, who in turn approves everything and notifies Shirley Temple in Denver.
Mon, May 22
I give Shirley a call. I’m not expecting her to know anything so soon, but seeing as my original start date is ten days away, I want to find out how long the process usually takes. She tells me that it’s usually pretty fast and she’ll send an email to Duncan to see if they’ve got my results. Shirley says she’ll call me back when she knows.
Tue, May 23
I give Shirley a call and ask if she’s heard from Duncan.
“Um, no I haven’t. Hang on a second and I’ll give them a call.” [Puts me on hold for a few minutes.] “They don’t have anything yet. You got tested at Concentra? I’ll give them a call.” [Puts me on hold again]
After some time I hang up because she’s got my number anyway and wasting cell phone minutes on hold isn’t awesome.
Wed, May 24
I give Shirley a call and ask if she learned anything from Concentra.
“Um, no I haven’t. They said they were gonna check the forms and call me back but they never did. But if you went in Friday then Duncan should definitely have your results by now, let me call them again and ask if they’ve gotten anything.” [Puts me on hold for a few minutes] “Nope, still nothing. I’ll give Concentra another call.” [On hold again, I hang up after a beat.]
Thu, May 25
I give Shirley a call and ask if she learned anything from Concentra.
“Um, no, they put me on hold for like a half-hour and then I got cutoff. I’ll call them right now.” [Puts me on hold for a while.] “Okay, they’re going to fax me your chain of custody form so we can track down your results. I’ll call you back when they come through.”
Fri, May 26
I give Shirley a call and ask if she got Concentra's fax...
You know what? This is pointless, I forget how it all went down. I've been trying to remember what happened each day for some reason, but the point is that people weren't doing their job unless I was calling them and specifically asking them to do it while I waited on the phone. I eventually called Concentra on Tuesday (the 30th) and they found my files again and faxed them to Shirley. The next morning I called her to ask about them and she told me I needed to go get another drug test because they had used the wrong form. So on Wednesday (the 31st) I drove back to Concentra -- annoyed that the error wasn't determined the first time I called about it 9 days earlier -- and repeated the process. This time the results were back in the expected 2-day time frame.
So finally, 1 day after I thought I was supposed to start working, I talked to someone in the Relocation department. I'll tell that story tomorrow because I'm going to bed right now.
***
June 1 was supposed to my first day working in Colorado, and it would've been had Halliburton's Human Resources department not been run by chimpanzees. Join with me, if you will, as I recount my interactions over the last month.
Wed, May 3
Here's the relevant information from the email I got after accepting the job offer:
WELCOME TO HALLIBURTON!!!!! Please remember to sign and return the original offer letter to my attention. Also, please have TAMU send me your official transcript. Shirley Temple (303.555.5555) will contact you this week to explain and begin the pre-employment process for our June 1 employment date. She should be able to schedule your physical and drug screen here in Houston. After you have successfully passed both your physical and drug screen, Marv Albert will issue a move notice so that someone from our Relocation Department can contact you to discuss shipment of your household belongings.
(The names and number have been changed for more privacy.)
Mon, May 8
I still haven't heard from Shirley Temple, so I send her a morning email and let her know I'm going to be spending a week out of town, and I need to get my drug/alcohol screening done before leaving on the 12th if at all possible.
Tue, May 9
Shirley hasn't responded to my email, so I call her up. She alleges that she's just received my file and says she'll get back to me in a couple of days to let me know where I need to go for my drug test, alcohol screening, and physical.
Fri, May 12
Leave for Crystal Beach without visiting a clinic, and without knowing which clinic I even need to go to for screening.
Thu, May 18
Check my email after being without internet access for a week. There's a message from Shirley Temple directing me to Concentra (which is about a half-hour from my house) for my drug test, et al.
Fri, May 19
Spend a total of 3.5 hours at Concentra, leave with all my necessary tests completed, and upon arriving at home, I send Shirley an email telling her I did my part and she should have my results soon.
Here’s a rundown of what was supposed to happen at this point. Concentra sends my “data” to a place called Quest Diagnostics (location unknown by me) to run the tests. Once that’s done, Quest sends my results to the appropriate Halliburton department in Duncan, Oklahoma, who in turn approves everything and notifies Shirley Temple in Denver.
Mon, May 22
I give Shirley a call. I’m not expecting her to know anything so soon, but seeing as my original start date is ten days away, I want to find out how long the process usually takes. She tells me that it’s usually pretty fast and she’ll send an email to Duncan to see if they’ve got my results. Shirley says she’ll call me back when she knows.
Tue, May 23
I give Shirley a call and ask if she’s heard from Duncan.
“Um, no I haven’t. Hang on a second and I’ll give them a call.” [Puts me on hold for a few minutes.] “They don’t have anything yet. You got tested at Concentra? I’ll give them a call.” [Puts me on hold again]
After some time I hang up because she’s got my number anyway and wasting cell phone minutes on hold isn’t awesome.
Wed, May 24
I give Shirley a call and ask if she learned anything from Concentra.
“Um, no I haven’t. They said they were gonna check the forms and call me back but they never did. But if you went in Friday then Duncan should definitely have your results by now, let me call them again and ask if they’ve gotten anything.” [Puts me on hold for a few minutes] “Nope, still nothing. I’ll give Concentra another call.” [On hold again, I hang up after a beat.]
Thu, May 25
I give Shirley a call and ask if she learned anything from Concentra.
“Um, no, they put me on hold for like a half-hour and then I got cutoff. I’ll call them right now.” [Puts me on hold for a while.] “Okay, they’re going to fax me your chain of custody form so we can track down your results. I’ll call you back when they come through.”
Fri, May 26
I give Shirley a call and ask if she got Concentra's fax...
You know what? This is pointless, I forget how it all went down. I've been trying to remember what happened each day for some reason, but the point is that people weren't doing their job unless I was calling them and specifically asking them to do it while I waited on the phone. I eventually called Concentra on Tuesday (the 30th) and they found my files again and faxed them to Shirley. The next morning I called her to ask about them and she told me I needed to go get another drug test because they had used the wrong form. So on Wednesday (the 31st) I drove back to Concentra -- annoyed that the error wasn't determined the first time I called about it 9 days earlier -- and repeated the process. This time the results were back in the expected 2-day time frame.
So finally, 1 day after I thought I was supposed to start working, I talked to someone in the Relocation department. I'll tell that story tomorrow because I'm going to bed right now.
